My 30 Something Birthday Blues

Barbie : "I started to get all this weird feeling like I have a fear with no specific objects, what is that?"

Woman : "Anxiety. I have that too"

I watched Barbie last week with my friend, and this line has been stuck in my head ever since. Greta Gerwig totally nailed it by making Barbie so relatable, I totally dig how she humanized Barbie, giving her feelings, anxiety, insecurity, and an existential crisis, just like us humans. It's like Barbie's one of us! This movie is seriously the best one I've seen in a while, tackling so many social issues in such a fun way.

I was thinking about writing a Barbie movie review in this blog, but nah, that's not my thing. And nobody gives a shit anyway. I'm just a regular moviegoer, not some pro reviewers. I mean, I can't write those fancy reviews like the pros do. But you know what? Barbie's emotions in that movie hit me right in the feels. It's like Greta understands what I've been going through mentally lately. So, instead of a formal review, let's talk about how Barbie's emotions totally resonate with my current state of mind.

So, on July 15th, it was my birthday, and for some reason, I was freaking out big time a week before that. I was hit with serious anxiety that I've never felt before. Normally, I'm all excited and looking forward to my birthday, but this year, it was just different and super weird.

I was so anxious, scared, and panicky when my birthday was just around the corner. My emotions were all over the place! I even read some articles about this situation, and turns out, feeling this way is pretty normal for some people when their birthday is coming up. They call it "Age-related thoughts", worries about getting older and all the changes and expectations that come with it. So, am I scared of aging? Yeah, kinda. But there were other aspects that made me feel anxious too. These include: expectations and social pressure, feeling lonely or isolated, and even the fear of attention. Phew, that's a whole bunch of emotions right there!

I know the last thing is so weird, it's like the strangest emotion I've ever felt. Basically, I'm not really comfortable being the center of attention, you know, like talking in front of a bunch of people where all eyes are on me. My body goes all warm and bothered, and I can't even describe that discomfort properly. The bottom line is, I'm just not cool with being the object of everyone's attention.

Now, here at the office, we got this thing where we surprise each other with a cake and stuff on our birthdays. It's something we do for each other, surprising one another on our birthdays. I'm cool with giving surprises to others, but for me, I don't really want to be on the receiving end of such surprises. I feel so uncomfortable in that situation. I can't even remember the last time I prayed to God, but before my birthday, I did, even though I don't really believe in Him. I was like, "Hei God, are you there? If you are, can you please make sure my friends don't surprise me? That'd be great." Yeah, I know, it's a long shot, but I made it specific, like praying that they won't do the whole surprise thing when I'm at my desk. But of course He didn't seem to get my memo! I'm living the fear, my friends actually went ahead and surprised me, and I was like, "Oh no, not this!" It's crazy, 'cause I never used to have this anxiety about birthdays before. I was all about the celebrations and having a blast, but this year, it's like everything's turned upside down.

But I gotta admit, I'm super grateful to have such thoughtful friends. I really appreciate their sweet gesture, but you know what? I'd be even more comfortable and grateful if they just didn't go through all this trouble, at least when it comes to me. Hehehe. But hey, I still love 'em to the moon and back!

Let's rewind a bit to before July 15th. In June, some stuff happened that really messed with my emotions, like, big time! I've been trying to deal with them, and even had counseling sessions with my therapist 'cause I felt like I needed some pro help to handle my mental state (again). The counseling sessions did help a bit, but you know, dealing with mental health is like walking on a tightrope. This stupid anxiety keeps popping up and disappearing, and I'm so freakin' tired of dealing with it.

So, right after my counselling session, I texted my sister to have a birthday celebration together 'cause our birthdays are on the same day. Not just me and my sister, but her son (my nephew), also has his birthday on that day. What a crazy coincidence, right? Anyway, I invited them for a staycation and birthday dinner at my favorite place, and I'm sure they'll love it.

Back to the day before July 15th, on July 14th I left work and hung out with my friends, but it started pouring rain when we were heading back to office. Rain or shine, that night with them was pure a blast! I couldn't have asked for a better time being surrounded by such positive and caring souls. We chatted till almost 11 PM, we laughed talkin' about hilarious random stuff, to nostalgic memories of our childhood and upbringings, and even learning Arabic together. How random is that, right? But we had fun! I can't recall the last time I felt that genuinely happy in the past two months, with all that anxiety weighing me down. But that night, it all disappeared.

After getting back home, feeling all alone again, and top it off, I caught a stupid fever. Thanks to that heavy rain earlier. My birthday was just a few minutes away, and my bedtime reminder was already on, but I was like, "Nah, I'm not checking my phone." I wanted to sleep through the day and wake up after the 15th. Hoping it'd be like magic, you know? I took some fever meds, my eyes were heavy, but my mind was all over the place. No matter how hard I tried to sleep, my brain was busy overthinking and overanalyzing stuff that didn't even matter that much. Around 2 AM, I gave in and checked my phone, and bam! There were so many unread messages purposely left untouched. When I opened them in the morning, turns out a few people had already wished me a happy birthday on WhatsApp. Lately, I've been avoiding opening WhatsApp, not showing as online, I mostly read messages when they pop up on the screen, and left them unread, except for work stuff, of course.

So, around 3 AM (or almost 4 in the morning), I checked iMessage and my bestie Winda sent me a birthday wish right there. Lately, I've been more into iMessage 'cause it's cool that nobody can see if you're online, unlike on WhatsApp. That WhatsApp online status feature is just so unnecessary and dumb. Like come on, Zuckerberg, give us an option to turn that stupid thing off! I ain't up for arguing with people who complain about me reading their messages late when they see me 'online' all the time. Life's already hard, man, and I don't need to deal with such petty stuff.

So, I was chatting with Winda and we started talking about a bunch of stuff, sharing our problems and all. I don't know why, but I ended up crying until morning. Yeah, I didn't get any sleep that night. Next morning, I had to drag my broke ass to work on my birthday because bills and life. I planned to take my sister and nephew for lunch then let them watch a movie. After that, I'd go back to work and later in the evening, we'd go to the hotel together for a staycation.

But guess what? My body was like, "Nah, girl, not gonna happen!" When I got to the office at 8 in the morning, my body felt like it got hit by a truck. I had to cancel the plans with my sister and nephew because my body couldn't handle it anymore. Almost passed out there! I brought myself to the ER, hoping for some quick IV and meds, but nope, they had to take my blood because my fever was off the charts, like almost 40 degrees! Turns out, my acid acted up (again), pretty bad this time. So, my staycation plan turned into a hospital adventure for 3 whole nights. What a twist!

My sister finally came to keep me company and brought all the stuff I needed from home. And there we were, we ended up celebrating our birthday at the hospital. Winda showed up on the first night of my hospital stay, and the next days, my other friends came to visit too. Man, my friends are seriously the best!

I've been admitted to this hospital a few times, and let me tell you, I've written some pretty nasty reviews about it in the past. But you know what? Despite all that, I still end up coming back here. Why? Because I'm just too lazy to start over with another hospital, and the doctors here already know my medical history, so it's easier. As much as I hate this place, whenever something comes up, I just end up running back here.

So, I was stuck in the hospital for three days, and during that time, I lost 3 kilograms! Crazy, right? I could barely eat, and they piled on loads of meds for me to swallow. I don't know if it's the same in all hospitals or just this one, but I swear, it feels like the doctors there are trying to sell me a whole pharmacy, especially when they know I have insurance. When I got discharged, they loaded me up with a bunch of meds. I'm talking three different types for my acid reflux, and they even gave me four bottles of some syrup for it. Like, seriously, do I look like I'm running a medical supply store or what? Not only those, the doc prescribed some other meds too like for cough, cold, migraine, vitamin, you name it. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with all that?

So, the doc gave me a 4-day sick leave, but I only used 3 days 'cause honestly, I got bored just lying around at home. On the 4th day, I decided to go to Senayan, just planning to chill at PS or at the office lounge or something. But guess what? I ended up attending a meeting and actually working! I was still feeling weak, and my appetite was nowhere to be found, but being around people helped ease my anxiety a bit though. Finally, July 15th passed, and I was relieved! Some co-workers at the office still managed to wish me even after I asked HR not to send out an all-staff birthday email. You know, less attention, the better. I also tried to avoid my friends at the office to dodge any birthday surprises, but no luck. They tricked me into going to our usual breakroom. And, can you believe it? My other friends had another surprise waiting for me at my desk in the next day. I was like, "Oh no!" but you know what? It wasn't so scary and turned out to be such a heartwarming moment. I actually felt loved and happy to have friends like them. Love you guys always!

This birthday got me all mixed up. I've never felt this anxious before. I even told my friend way back in January, that come July or maybe June, I'd be deactivating my Instagram for a while. Just wanted to avoid all that birthday fuss, you know? So, I decided to go MIA on IG to avoid any awkwardness on July 15th and planned to be back in a week or so after my birthday. But you know what? As I'm writing this, I still don't feel like going back on IG. Weirdly enough, life feels better without it. Back in 2020, I took a 6-month IG break, and it felt pretty awesome to be off the social media grid. And I'm kinda feeling that again now.

Haha, you won't believe it! My friends keep bugging me to get back on Instagram. They're like, "Males ah lo gak ada IG, gue gak bisa ngeshare meme atau gambar bayi bayi lucu lagi!" or "Gue jadi gak bisa ngetag postingan film lagi!" Oh, and get this, they're actually complaining about losing their Insta highlights 'cause they reposted my stuff. It's funny, but hey, I'm taking my sweet time. I'll return to IG when I feel like it. For now, I'm loving this Insta-free time, and it feels pretty damn good!

Ah, turning 30 is a mix of suck and good times! It sucks 'cause I feel old and start noticing wrinkles everywhere on my face. and I'm seriously considering botox now, hahaha. I'm actually worried about these early signs of aging I'm experiencing. Like, I hate that I have to wear glasses now 'cause my eyesight is getting weaker. And man, I feel old 'cause I get tired so easily. But the real shocker is dealing with lower back pain that's got me doing physiotherapy twice a week. And the most annoying part? Waitresses, cashiers, delivery guy, Gojek, even cab drivers, all people out there they all call me "Ibu", not "kakak" or "mbak" anymore. Like, hello, am I that old?

Being 30 something feels good as well, I mean, we're more experienced, wiser, and stuff. But sometimes I find myself having dark thoughts, like feeling that 30s is the prime age to die.

From The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy

First time I had these death or suicidal thoughts back when I was 27, and they came back again in 2021 for some reasons. And those thoughts come so frequently when it was like two weeks leading up to my birthday. I wonder why that happened? If I'm still alive in the coming years, will I be equally anxious about my birthday next time? Or will it be less or more anxiety-inducing?

We'll see.

So that's my birthday blues saga. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, from dealing with anxiety to unexpected hospital drama. But hey, life's like that sometimes, full of twists and turns. Despite all that, I'm grateful for my friends and family, and those special moments that made it all worth it. Birthdays might be a bit of a challenge for me, but I'm just taking it one year at a time.

Alright, it's time for a little birthday photo flashback! Get ready to see the highs and lows of my celebration, from the hospital to getting back in the groove at work.