NEW YEAR, SAME SHIT

Hey there, COVID survivor! 

Long time no see... 

I know, I know, I've been MIA for what feels like forever, but let's blame it on that unwelcome guest called COVID. It's been a rollercoaster ride of lockdowns, masks, and Netflix binges, but hey, guess who's back? That's right, it's me, finally crawling out of my pandemic-induced hiding spot!

The last time I sat down to write was way back in April 2020, during those early quarantine days. But whoa, time flies and here we are on day 290 since the first lockdown hit on March 17th. Crazy, right? I gotta admit, I never saw this coming. I mean, I thought we'd be back to the good ol' days by June or July, where we'd be working back in the office instead of WFH. But hey, life had other plans, and here we are, still rockin' the work-from-home vibes. Let's unpack all the twists and turns, the ups and downs, and everything in between that went down during this wild journey. Buckle up, my friends, 'cause it's gonna be one hell of a ride! 

So, after isolating myself for months since my last blog post, I've been stuck at home for 9 months straight, not going anywhere at all. Crazy thing is, I'm still kickin' and managed to survive. Can you believe it? 

It's Friday, January 1, 2021, new year and all, but I'm still in the same boat, lonesome and broke af!

Lebih tepatnya: "Udah mulai bokek ya? Hmm sudah biasa"

Bentar lagi kayak gini:

Man, I can't even count how many times I've kicked off the year totally broke like this. It's like, why do I always end up in this situation? You'd think being stuck at home for a solid 9 months would make me a money-saving champ, but nope, turns out I'm stuck in the same old cycle (keranjang oren bener-bener bikin gue misqueen, anzg!). 

Raline Shah gak akan relate baca blog ini

You know, I gotta say, I'm not ungrateful for having enough and being pretty healthy so far, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not getting my act together in life. I'm stuck with this constant feeling of insecurity and low self-esteem, like all the bad stuff is just hanging around me. It's like I'm plain old average, got nothing special, and still not making much progress. I get it, I'm the one who needs to make changes, but man, it's not that simple. My life feels so flat, my career's going nowhere. Love life? Ha! Forget about it. It's like I'm always dealing with some bad karma from my past. When I see other people's love lives, I can't help but wonder, "How the heck did they get so damn lucky? Did they save the world in their past life to deserve all that happiness?" I'm pathetic, and I know it. Always comparing myself to others.

You know, when it comes to love life, I'm in a phase where I've lost faith in all that stuff, especially marriage. It's like God made me not only to be average or mediocre but also destined to be loveless. And I don't just mean romantic love, even the love from my family and surroundings sometimes feels missing. It's these kinds of things that make me doubt everything, including whether God even exists. 

Over the years, I've lost something important, things that truly matter, and I've lost hope and faith in pretty much everything. It might sound weird, but to me, faith is just a symbolic concept that represents emptiness. Maybe it's because I'm not religious that I don't really get how it all works. Oh, and maybe I should take a break from reading books by Hawking and Richard Dawkins. Haha.

In my opinion, religion is just a ridiculous concept. It's supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart or create divisions. Throughout history, religion has been at the center of so many wars. Ever wonder if life would be more peaceful without religion? Maybe then wars would have more sensible reasons. But no matter the reasons, war can never be justified because there are always casualties. And when people fight in the name of their religion or beliefs, it gives off this vibe that they think they're right and everyone else is just an anomaly. Come on, being rational means understanding that truth isn't absolute. That's why, in my thought, everything about religion is just absurd.

Meyakini surga dan neraka juga agak terlalu dark dan gak fair buat gue, don’t you think it’s pretty harsh to say that someone deserves to suffer in hell for all eternity cuma karena dia beda keyakinan sama lo? Emang lo pikir surga cuma milik kaum lo doang? 

And to top it off, religion has turned into a tool for politics, a means for those political elites to gain power. It seriously makes me sick! Can't they realize that politics and religion just can't go hand in hand, no matter what?! And most people choose not to think and question why. Maybe it's because they believe that religion tells them not to question things too much? I wouldn't rant about this on my blog if religion and politics could actually work together and make a country better. But the fact is, it just can't. Mixing politics and religion is not a good thing, it's bad for both sides.

You know what? If religion is all about not questioning stuff, then why did God bother giving us brains to think for ourselves? What's the point of it all if we're not meant to use our minds? It just seems pretty ridiculous to me, and it's one of the reasons why I find religion irrational and hard to believe in.

But hey, enough of that heavy talk! I don't want my trashy blog to get into sensitive topics, especially in a country that seems to be getting more conservative and theistic these days. Let's switch gears and talk about something super chill instead.

I don't know what's gotten into me to reach this point. Maybe this never-ending pandemic has put me in this depressive state. Being stuck in quarantine for months feels like being locked up in jail. It's a struggle to meet up with friends because I'm still paranoid about the virus out there. And to top it all off, some of my friends are currently hospitalized after testing positive for Covid. My family is far away, and to make things worse, my boyfriend is also thousand miles away from me.

Speaking of my boyfriend, let's spill the beans about him. We've been together for almost two years now. We had an awesome six months in Jakarta, from April to September 2019. But then, towards the end of September, he had to jet off to Paris for work. His job contract has him bouncing between France and West Africa, and who knows when it'll end. I wasn't mentally prepared for a long-distance relationship (it's more about my own lingering trust issues, not his fault), but he's always there to reassure me that everything will be fine, and all that jazz... He's done the LDR thing before, so he knows the drill. The only challenge is figuring out how to handle me when we're thousands of miles apart. I can go all-in as a super devoted girlfriend or... you know what I mean.

I'll give it a shot! The first month was pretty tough, I gotta admit. Sometimes, I'd get super needy and clingy, but I could still handle it. It took me a while to get used to things because back in Jakarta, we used to see each other every week, and now I gotta deal with his absence. The time difference between Paris and Jakarta makes it even harder. When I'm all up and awake at 8 am, it's only 4 am there, and when I'm ready to hit the sack, he's still stuck in meetings. I've been going through this for months now. Instead of feeling more confident over time, I actually feel more hopeless, like whatever's meant to happen will happen, you know? If things work out, then great! I'll be over the moon. But if they don't, well, it's all good. I'm ready for any outcome.

So, he was all like, "I'll be back in Jakarta every three or six months". And then, BAM! At the end of 2019, this freaking virus shows up in China. I thought it was just some harmless virus, you know, like a SARS or something. We had a similar thing happen in Indonesia before, and it wasn't that bad 'cause our government handled it pretty well. But man, things went downhill in China, and it started spreading like crazy to other countries. By March 2020, it hit Indonesia, and that's when I started freaking out. My bf was supposed to come back in April, but he had to stay put because there were absolutely no flights. And even if he insisted on coming back, his whole leave would be wasted on quarantine. I mean, seriously, what's the point of coming back if you can't even meet anyone, right? It's been a crazy rollercoaster ride!

During the first three month, I was freaking out because the news about this virus was all over the place. Some claimed it was deadlier than the regular virus and could even spread through the air. You know how the media can be, always hyping things up. I didn't realize how they could twist information and mess with people's heads when it comes to Covid. One thing I know for sure is that wearing a mask all the time and keeping your distance, like at least 2 meters, can help reduce the spread. But if it's airborne, does the mask really do anything? All this confusing info about Covid-19 really got me stressed. It made me super paranoid and afraid of being around people.

So, for a few months, I stayed cooped up at home. But eventually, I had to drag myself back to the office because there was work that just couldn't be done remotely. And guess what? When I finally stepped outside, the market was packed, and so many dumb fucks weren't even bothering with masks. It's like people in Indonesia are living under a rock or something. I mean, seriously? That's when I stumbled upon the term "Covidiot", someone who completely ignores all the health warnings and safety guidelines, according to Urban Dictionary. It's just mind-blowing how people can be so brainless!

So, in the taxi, I ended up crying out of the blue. I don't know why, but my eyes just started welling up when I looked outside and saw everything going on like nothing was even happening. I've been isolating myself at home for months, thinking everyone else was doing the same, but turns out  there are still brain-dead people out there who don't give a fuck about this virus. I know there are people who can't afford to stay home because they need to work and survive, but come on, at least wear a fucking mask!

And you know what? I see plenty of people who have no reason to be out and about, but they're still out there wandering around. Yeah, those types who claim to be extroverted who can't survive without being seen outside. They even go to crowded places for the sake of their Insta stories or YouTube content. Fucking assholes!

I'm not the kind of person who goes out a lot. But being stuck in my room for months can really mess with my head. Everything feels like a catch-22. I'm scared to go out and potentially come into contact with people because I always assume that meeting people means risking exposure to the virus. But if I keep locking myself up like this, it's not good for my mental well-being either. It's just a tough situation all around.

Things went downhill in June - July. I had this silly argument with my boyfriend. Well, to him, it may seem silly, but for me, it was a big deal. There was something that really got under my skin about him. I'm usually not the type of girl who makes a big fuss over small things, but when a guy crosses certain principles, I can't... I just can't.

Dalem hati cowok gue pasti: "Diiih makan tu prinsip!"

But honestly, we argue so much over things that he considers unimportant. But in my opinion, the key to a healthy relationship is good communication, which for me that is the most important. I'm not asking for anything out of the ordinary from my partner. I never ask for his money, I don't expect him to be available for me all the time. I just want him to keep me in the loop. No need for constant updates. Just let me know where you are, who you are with, you're doing fine, and that's it! But he can't even do the bare minimum, it's like he's reluctant to do it. Then what's the point of being together all this time? Let me give you an example of why we often end up arguing about stuff like this:

Our last FaceTime chat was a total disaster, man. I was so pissed off that I straight up hung up on him while he was still babbling away. You know, as a girl, you kinda hope your guy would hit you up a few hours later or maybe the next day, but this mf just vanished into thin air. I waited for him for a day, then three days, a whole damn week, even two weeks, but no sign of life from him. Part of me was mad, and I didn't expect him to come crawling back, but I can't front, I did check up on him sometimes. 

During those two weeks of radio silence, I ended up hanging out with guys, yeah, you heard it, plural. I know, I'm a real jerk, and it ain't something to be proud of. At that point, I considered my relationship with him over, even though deep down I needed closure to clear things up. But I was too damn 'gengsi' to be the first one to call or text. Plus, the dude's always got a jam-packed schedule, so most of our communication happened over the phone or FaceTime, and honestly, I'm not always in the mood for chit-chat. I'm more of a texter than talker, anybody relate to that?

But then, like outta nowhere, I got distracted by these new guys. One was all fresh, like straight outta the oven, and the other was an old flame with that same ol' vibe. Next thing I know, I'm stuck in the same damn cycle, damn it! As soon as they came into the picture, my old/current guy (or soon-to-be ex?) was completely erased from my mind. Didn't even cross my thoughts. My focus shifted entirely to the new guy, especially. Turns out, it only took me two weeks to move on. I ain't even trying to bring up the whole "old flame" story no more. It's stale, been talked about him on this blog countless times. So let's give this blog post the spotlight it deserves and shine it on the new guy. 

Me and him had this crazy intense connection, like practically every damn week we were together. Even during this long weekend from Thursday to Monday, we were glued to each other. I gotta say, though, there's one thing I don't get about this whole thing, it was such a quick introduction, but for the first time ever, I was all like... I fell for him. You know what I'm sayin'?

Alright, here's the deal. I know I can be a total emotional mess sometimes, but when it comes to guys, I handle it like a pro. And not just any pro, I'm like the pro max version, LOL. I see those dudes as nothing more than passing "ads" in my life. They come and go in a flash. It's highly unlikely for me to get all worked up over them. Sure, I might get a bit caught up, but I can also be level-headed about it. I keep my cool, stay rational, and don't fall in love easily. But with him, man, it was a whole different story. I wasn't just falling in love; I was head over heels! And then it hit me that when you fall in love, you gotta be ready for the possibility of heartbreak. Like, who wants to deal with that, right? Especially when I was already in a vulnerable state, and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle heartbreak in that condition. It could've driven me to the edge.

And you won't believe it, my worst nightmare came true. This asshole just shut me out for no reason at all. Fuck you! And to make things worse, he still had the nerve to watch my Insta stories and like my Instagram pics. Like, seriously, dude?! It's so fucking annoying when a guy acts all high and mighty, pulls a disappearing act, and still had the audacity to keep an eye on my stuff. It gets me so mad. So, in the end, I step on my nerves a little, and hitting that block button. HAHAHAHA.

But guess what? After I blocked the asshole, my boyfriend suddenly pops back into my life in late August or maybe somewhere in September. You'd think it would be a good thing, you know, a distraction from that previous asshole that shut me out? But, man, it was the total opposite. I ended up blaming my boyfriend for it all. If he hadn't disappeared in the first place, I wouldn't have crossed paths with this new guy. And just when I was getting caught up in that jerk's tricks, my boyfriend reappeared. It's like they both conspired to ganged up on me. One comes in, the other vanishes. It's almost like they deliberately want to drive me crazy.

And you know what? His comeback wasn't about apologizing or giving an explanation for his disappearance. No, man, he just shows up like nothing happened at all. And you won't believe the first thing he asks me in our chat after he vanished? It ain't a "How are you doing?" or anything normal like that. It was a damn: "Where are you?"

WHERE ARE YOU???!!!

I so badly wanted to reply, "I'm out here digging your graves!"

 

But when he hit me up with a "where are you?" I couldn't help but think he's back in town or something. It got me all curious and surprised at the same time.

I didn't even bother replying to his chat, and he tried video calling me twice, but I ignored them both. Then he finally called me on a regular phone call with France number several times, then I picked it up. On the phone he was claiming that he was stuck in an offshore rig in the middle of nowhere for a whole month. Do you think I believe that? Hell no! I wasn't even trying to reach out to him anyway, so I have no clue if it's true or not. Honestly, I'm not buying it because usually, even when he's on a rig, he can still call me with a satellite phone. Maybe his rig got caught up in the Bermuda Triangle or something. Let's just think positive, bestie!

Since then, I've been so damn unsure about my feelings for him. It's like everything turned gray from August onwards, and I've been questioning my emotions ever since. Maybe I'm just tired of waiting for him to come back to Jakarta. And on top it all off, I'm still shocked from getting dumped out of the blue by this new guy. So, for now, I gotta put myself first and focus on healing. I have no fucking clue what went wrong with the new guy. Did I mess up somewhere? Did I misread the signals? I'm just guessing. But I think he's the type of person who gets a kick out of leaving others in the dark, or maybe he's just a straight-up asshole.

Here's the deal, if he's not up for commitment or any of that exclusive relationship stuff, why the hell did he have to give those mixed signals? And after going on a few dates, if I still don't meet his so-called criteria, why couldn't he just be straight up and say we should be friends? Yeah, the truth hurts, but at least it's fair. I'm not all that smart, it takes me ages to understand things. And when it comes to understanding him, it feels like it'll take me forever.

As time went by, I eventually realized my role in all of this. It's not all my fault, you know. Maybe I'm just not meant to have much luck in love. It seems like there aren't any decent guys out there who would be a good fit for me. But hey, even if I end up dying alone, it's not a big deal. I never had grand plans for some picture-perfect life anyway..

Since that whole ordeal, along with the ongoing pandemic, I've been dealing with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm haunting me every single minute of every day. I've read stuff online and seen it in movies that when you're having suicidal thoughts, it's important to seek professional help. Man, I really need help because I'm going down a dark path. It feels like I'm trapped in a never-ending cycle of feeling suicidal most of the time.

This is International Wellbeing Center (IWC), ada di Dharmawangsa

So, yeah, I ended up reaching out to a few suicide hotlines, including that wellbeing center I mentioned earlier, just to get some counseling. But let me tell you, getting reliable help in Jakarta can be pretty pricey. If you're curious about the price list, you can just ask them directly or check it out on their website here.

Anyway, these days, trying to survive through this pandemic and dealing with a broken heart feels like odading Mang Oleh, rasanya anjing banget! I mean, you'd think as you get older, your mental state would get stronger, right? Well, turns out it's the opposite for me. I can't believe that at this point in my life, I could be so caught up over some guy I barely knew for two months. I've had my fair share of experiences with different guys over the past 15 years, and yet, here I am, falling head over heels for an asshole. Ugh, WHY? Why do I have to go through the agony of loving someone who doesn't feel the same way?

If you're reading this, I bet you're probably thinking:

September to December 2020 was a wild ride. I had a total mental breakdown during that time. I completely shut myself off from the world, didn't want to see anyone, not even my BF. I was in this weird state where I didn't give a damn about anything. It's like I was stuck in this never-ending void of numbness. Like, technically I was alive, but not really living, just feeling empty inside. I had moments where I wished I could just die, but hey, I couldn't kick the bucket before going to a BTS concert, HAHAHA.

People always say that time heals, that you'll eventually bounce back from a broken heart. But let me tell you, these past four months haven't really made me feel like time is healing me. To be honest, what's been helping me with my depression and those dark thoughts is accepting the fact that I'm probably meant to be a lone wolf, forever loveless. So, I've decided to just live with it. Embracing who I am has brought some level of healing. My love life is a mess, and my whole life sucks even more. If I were to give it another shot with someone new, it's bound to end in disaster because the problem lies with me. So, instead of wasting time on doomed relationships, it's better to skip that whole charade.

Marriage? Ha! That's like a fantasy tale in my life. I highly doubt I'll ever walk down that aisle. I've started to believe in what Rocky Gerung said, 'pernikahan itu indah sebagai fiksi, tapi ngeri sebagai fakta'. Frankly, I'm already scared without being married, let alone taking the plunge. Finding a life partner? Yeah, right. I'm skeptical about that, let alone finding my so-called "true love". It seems like true love would just make a brief appearance in my life and then vanish into thin air. 

Today might be a new day, but it just feels like the same old crap all over again.

How am I feeling? Well, after going through all that bullshit, it's like something inside me just died. Love, faith, and hope, all gone.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never find love, and honestly, I can't even remember what it's like to truly love someone. That spark is dead. Sometimes, I question why I'm even here, you know? What's the point of my existence? Is it just to live a loveless life?

So there you have it, folks. That's my story of heartbreak during the pandemic. It hasn't been an easy journey, that's for sure. 

Ciao, until next time!

PS: Oh, and by the way, my BF and I are still together and going strong. I have no clue what the future holds, but I believe in my ability to handle whatever comes my way. Whether it's joy or heartbreak, my mind is prepared for it.